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Purpose.

Do you sometimes find it hard to set boundaries? Do you worry about doing it poorly and making things worse? The purpose of the following practice is to prepare yourself to speak up about your boundaries and to persist if necessary in ways that are clear, respectful, and effective.

Preparation: Pick a situation you want to practice.

For example, dealing with someone being rude, thoughtless, or irresponsible.  Write down your answers to the following questions.

1. What do you want the other person to know about your feelings? Focus on YOUR feelings without attacking the other person’s character or intentions. Avoid saying, ‘You make me feel…” Instead. you can say, “I feel upset, worried, sad, frustrated, embarrassed…” Or “It concerns me that…”
2. What is the specific behavior that you want to the other person to change? Avoid loaded words or phrases like, “being a jerk.” “manipulative”, “you always”, “you never”
3. What is the specific result you want from the other person? State what you DO want rather than what you DON’T want. “Please speak in a calm voice” works better than “Don’t shout at me.” Be specific. “Please stop what you are doing to say ‘Hello’ when I arrive” works better than “Be nicer to me.”

Step One. Start with a bridge to create a connection.

Write a short statement about something you appreciate or understand about this person. “I appreciate how much you do. ” I understand how busy you are.” Acknowledge anything you might have done to cause the problem.  “I know that I was not clear about this before. Apologize if appropriate. “I am sorry for waiting so long to tell you this.” Be genuine and generous.

Be sure to continue with an “AND” instead of a “But.”  If someone says, “I like you, BUT”, what are you more likely to remember? The “I like you”  before the “BUT or whatever is said after the BUT”?

Step Two.  Write your boundary statement without loaded words or long explanations

Notice that these sample statements are very short, specific, and non-attacking.

• “I admire your leadership and the exciting work we do. AND, getting a big project at the last minute that requires me to stay late or work over the weekend disrupts my personal time. I would greatly appreciate it you will give me deadlines that I can accomplish within my work hours as much as possible.
• “I think you are a great person. AND, having long discussions about personal issues makes it hard for me to focus and do my best work. I would appreciate your saving those conversations for other times.”
• “I know you mean well and are interested in what you see. AND, I am noticing that our customers feel uncomfortable when you stare at them. Please try to glance quickly and ask if they need any help and then look somewhere else.
• “I am sorry I was late, and understand you are frustrated. AND, it will work better for me if you express your feelings in a calm voice without calling me names like ‘lazy’ or ‘thoughtless’.”
• “Everyone likes you here, and understands that you are a kind and caring person. AND, a couple of the women working here feel uncomfortable when you speak and act in ways that show that you are attracted to them. They don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying so, especially because you are their manager. It is important to make sure that you speak and act professionally with everyone here, even when you have feelings of being attracted to someone.”

Step Three. Be Prepared for Negative Reactions – Which ones are hard for you?

Do you dislike being told what to do or that someone is unhappy about something you are doing or not doing? Most people feel this way. So remember that it is normal for someone to react negatively at first.

When you are prepared for someone to have a negative reaction, you can prepare to persist by responding positively instead of giving up. Here are some common negative reactions:

1. Denial: “I never said that… That never happened. … You misunderstood me.”
2. Minimizing: “You’re overreacting…. You are so sensitive…You are making a big deal out of nothing… Can’t you take a joke?”
3. Counterattacking with emotional coercion including guilt or blame: “How can you say that to me? …Don’t you care about me? …You only think of yourself… You are making me so upset that I’ll get sick. … You’re jealous… You’re crazy …  You’re defensive.”
4. Denying your right to have a boundary: “This is just the way I am. Take it or leave it.” “I will do whatever I want…. I’m your boss and you MUST do what I say. …JUST SHUT UP!”
5. “Get off my back” fake apology. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Done. ” (But not changing behavior.)
6. Being so devastated that you feel tempted to take care of them: “I am so awful for saying that…. I am sure you won’t want anything to do with me anymore…. I am just too messed up to be with anyone…I hate myself for having done that.”

Step Four. Positive Responses to Negative Reactions.

Pick a response or combination of responses that is appropriate for the person and the situation. Remember that one size does NOT fit all. 

1. Acknowledge feelings. “You sound upset.” … “I appreciate your concern.” “
2. Express caring. “You are important to me.” “I am sorry I upset you. That was not my intention.”
3. Restate your boundary: “This is important to me because I want to have better communication with you.” …. “Thank you for telling me your concern about my eating. I’ve heard you. Please don’t bring it up again.”
4. Find a common ground. “Let’s see if we can find a solution that will meet both our needs… Perhaps we misunderstood each other …” I would like to talk when you feel ready to listen.” … “I remember this differently.” … “Let’s agree to disagree.”
5. State a consequence that is realistic and balanced for this situation. “Stop or I will leave… Stop or you have to leave… Stop or I will report you…. This behavior needs to change, or our relationship will need to change.”
6. Take a break and try again later. “I need some time to calm down in order to think more clearly.” …. “Let’s get some rest and try to talk when we are less tired.”
7. Request clarification. “I am confused. What was your purpose was in making that comment?”
8. Let the other person have the last word. Just disengage. You can say nothing at all or, in a very respectful way, “Thank you for telling me!”
9. Leave with care. If someone is very upset, you can leave as you say, “You are important to me. I care about you. We’ll talk later when we’ve had a chance to calm down.”
10. Leave quietly and get help. If someone is threatening or violent or any time your personal safety is at risk, leaving is almost always the safest thing to do. Making threats about fighting back is dangerous.
11. Write it down. Writing things down gets people’s attention and creates documentation if you need
12. As a last resort, know when and how to use physical self-defense. If you are in danger and cannot get away safely, remember that you have the choice to defend yourself physically. As soon as you can, leave and get help.

Step Five. Practice out loud what to say and do in a powerful and respectful way.

• Rehearse out loud using an assertive tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and gestures.
• Practice with a partner or in front of a mirror. If by yourself, go back and forth taking each part. If you are with a partner, tell this person who they are and which negative reaction you’d like them to use.
• If practicing with a class, have people pick less personal examples or disguise details to protect their privacy. Ask that examples used are NOT about anyone in the group.

Here’s how to practice with a partner. Again, before you start, tell your practice partner who they are and what kind of negative reaction you want them to give you.

• You: Begin with the Bridge
• You: Continue with an AND “I feel or “It seems to me …” or …The rules here are that…”
• You: State the problem focusing on behavior and not on intentions. E.g.: “When you.”
• Your partner: Reply with the negative reaction you requested, sounding and looking like they mean it.
• You: Use one or more positive responses to their negative reaction.
• Your partner: End with a positive close. For example, “I’ll try… I’ll think about it .. Okay… I’m sorry.”
• Keep practicing until you look and sound clear, respectful, and confident.
• Switch with your partner so you each get a chance to practice each role.

Review of the Fullpower Boundary-Setting Steps:

1. Start with a Bridge, which is a one-sentence caring connection: I appreciate all you do. OR, I know you care a lot. OR, I have a lot of respect for your work. OR, You are important to me. OR, “I am sorry I forgot to do what I had promised..”  OR,  It must be frustrating that things are so different. OR, I understand that you want to finish what you are doing.
2. Continue with an I or ME Statement of your feeling or of the situation beginning with “and”: … AND I feel …. frustrated, uncomfortable, sad, annoyed, worried, upset, …  OR, … AND our policies here  are that…” OR, … AND, it seems to me that…” OR, …AND it concerns me that…”
3. Next, make an objective and specific statement of the problem behavior: … when you______ (do or don’t do something.) OR, state the rule being violated, such as…our values are to create a safe and respectful work environment instead of making jokes or comments that put people down.
4. In a clear and polite way, request the specific behavior change you want to have happen: …AND, I would greatly appreciate it if you would… OR, Would you please …..? OR, “it will work better for me to..”
5. Be prepared with positive responses to negative reactions, including getting help if needed.

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Published: August 4, 2025   |   Last Updated: August 4, 2025